Hubs is our of town.

We’re fighting.

It is merciless. Embarassing. Terrible. Painful.

Can’t he just see things my way? I hate doing this. He thinks so logically, so rational, unfortunately nothing about me, or the way my brain works is either of those things. I can’t change it. I can’t change the way I feel. Oh how I wish I could.

Part of me just wants to say “Fuck him” and not be bothered by him.

The other part knows I can’t.

My impatience got the better of me. Being 4 days late for that monthly visitor I finally gave in and peed on the five dollar stick. And you know what that $5 stick told me?  It told me I had wasted $5, and was not having a baby. Then, the next day mother nature came a calling. Go figure.

Strangely enough, my husband is starting to say things like “I could imagine us having a kid by next April.” Hmmm… of course, I think he really means that he well… is ready. Strange. I spent months agonizing over him saying he wasn’t ready. I would whine and pitch a fit insisting that we needed a baby ASAP! And he would just say we would have one soon enough. I don’t know what this all means. To have a baby in April we would have to get pregnant in July. What? Really? I don’t know if that will happen. I had kind of intended on starting the trying thing in August. I guess you’re supposed to go a month off of the pill (having one regular cycle) before starting to TTC. I guess that means I should stop taking them?

This is crazy talk really. Lol. Can’t it just magically happen? I’ll go to sleep tonight and wake up with a three your old? Any one with to help me in this endeavor? lol. I’m glad I have this place to talk about things like babies and sex with out my mom reading it.AWKWARD!!!

Umm… that’s all.

This may or may not be about sex… read at your own discretion.

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Recently my older dog has started having accidents at night time. I’m hoping it’s just the urinary tract infection that I want it to be. But my baby is 14 years old. That’s old. That’s really old for a large dog like her. She went to the vet today and got some anti-biotics, so hopefully she will get over this, and it’s just a little problem.

Unfortuunatly in the back of my mind I keep hearing “She’s old…” and maybe this is where her body stops functioning like it should, and it could soon be time to put her down. I’ve been thinking about this all day. On the way to the vet it was all I could do to not cry. Then just now I was telling my husband I am going to buy a baby gate so we can keep her in the kitchen at night, so it’s easier to clean any messes up  - and I really did cry. She’s been my baby for 7 years now, when I rescued her from an abusive home. It just breaks my heart. I knew this day would come. I’ve been preparing for the time when she leaves me. But it just makes me so sad. She has people eyes, and she snuggles me when I cry and has seen me through some really terrible things in my life.

But then again – nothing (as in it’s just an infection, and not old age) could be wrong and I’m just stressing myself out. Who knows, but I’m buying the gate because I don’t want to clean the carpet AGAIN!

I’ve been working at a school since last November, and today was their last day – so I went in to say goodbye. It was quick, and lame, and I doubt these kids will remember me – despite the 100 hours I put in with them. It was still good though.

Next week my summer classes start, and I am not really looking forward to that. Actually… I’m kind of anxious. The only good thing is I am going to be going to the gym every day. I have a two hour break between classes, I will call it my skinny break, and hopefully I can stick to something and get some of this weight off so that… well… we’re going to start trying for those little pink skinned, slimy bunches of flesh and bones. Some people call them off-spring.  Yeah – I need to get skinny before that happens though!

Sometimes certain subjects are very hard for me to talk about- or even think about. Because of the way I was raised, my knowledge of what a healthy relationship should be was kind of stinted. Especially when it comes to anything related to sex. Normally I would play the little games, and call it something fun drawing crazy analogies to sex, but today is a bit more serious.

I’ve never known what is normal. Because of my religious upbringing, sex, or anything related to sex, was not only off limits, but considered a sin. When I got engaged my future husband and I started discussing sex, and human anatomy among other things. I don’t know if I’m the only woman who didn’t know what a vagina, or mine for that matter,  looked like until age 21. I had also never touched my own breasts. Is that weird? Are all people really this out of touch with their own body?

I am still in shock that I was raised to feel like parts of my own body were off limits – even in healthy ways. I understand that it must be hard to draw a line. How do you encourage kids to love their own body, and respect themselves, without encouraging them to be promiscuous? Sex was never mentioned in the home I grew up in. I never experienced “the talk” or anything related to it. My mom pulled me out of every sex-ed lesson available to me, and did not offer anything in place of it. Mind, I was a “good girl” in that I waited for my husband, but I think given the choice, I would’ve waited any way. I hope that when I finally have children that I can do something better than what I received. I want my kids to feel confident in who they are, and in their own skin. I want to be able to explain things to them that my parents never explained to me, and I want my kids to feel comfortable talking about things like sex – because it is a beautiful, and natural, part of a healthy marriage relationship.

I am so thankful for my supportive, patient husband who has made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, when I feel like hiding. I love that he gives me honest, open answers when I ask him sex questions. And I’m not talking about “what position do you like” kind of questions. I’m talking about the kind of things that normal kids go through when developing into an adult. Because for me – I don’t think I realized I had a sex organ until well… biology in 10th grade. Yeah. That is embarrassing. I wouldn’t say I was naive, but I was definitely sheltered.

I’m going to stop here. I don’t really want to be graphic, but I am kind of sickened by my own life experiences at times. I have gone through so many terribly, trying times, and I just wonder – if my mother had told me that my body was normal, beautiful, and natural – would my view of myself be less warped? If I hadn’t thought that self-stimulation was a sin next to murder, would I have a healthier view of sex? I don’t know. All I know is – I am going to do something different with my own kids.

So take off all your clothes. Wait… don’t do that. Does any one else know that song? Everytime some one says “It’s hot in here” it goes through my mind. Blah.

A month ago we hired a company to come out and fix our A/C. They came out, charged us an arm and a leg, then said it was under warranty so we should get some one else to fix it for free. Well, that’s nice and dandy but it is freaking hot up in this house, especially with 4 computers in our office. I was very frustrated over their first appointment, and I gave them a “C” on Angie’s List. Well, I decided to give them another shot, and after being heckled for giving them less than a perfect review, it is going to cost $500+ to the A/C actually fixed. We won’t actually be paying it because it is our landlord’s job to pay for things over $30, but he is currently vacationing in Australia, and doing nothing useful. Thusly, it is 85 degrees in this house, and hot as hades!!! We have to wait for the go from the landlord before we go off spending his money to get it fixed. In the meantime we are leaving the dogs in the garage while we’re out, so they don’t die of heat exhaustion. I am also a little bit pissed about this company, but it was kind of a misunderstanding. They say I didn’t represent them appropriately in my review, I say their guy lied to them when he said he explained everything to us and offered to fix it the first time. Because he didn’t. Gah! I’m trying really hard not to get worked up over things right now, but it is SO frustrating with everything else going on right now. I just need a nap. Maybe I’ll move to a hotel? With two dogs and four computers. They better have free internet. lol.

My husband and I go on very very very long trips together. We sit in the car for hours on end listening to music, complaing about our lack of A/C in my 15 year old car, and chatting. Usually it is good conversation. We talk about politics and starting a family and buying a house. We discus the things we did as children, the imaginary games we played and the lies we told. It is a very refreshing thing to do.

But today he made me mad.

Like really mad. We were talking about baby names. And he says “It’s not really important.” Well… this did not sit well with me, especially since it is almost time for Aunt Flo to visit and my hormones are a little our of whack. Thusly, the argument over the important of a name went on and on and on… for more than an hour. By the way… when you’re in the car with some one, and hour is a long time. Eventually he saw the bRight side and agreed with me. Which brings me to my second though:

When some one suddenly says “You know what, you’re right.” what do you say back to them? My husband says this to me a lot (don’t worry, I have to say it too some times) – and honestly, I love that he is willing to look at my side and agree with me, but I’m not sure what to say. Should I say “Gosh! Finally” or something like “Tell me something I don’t know!” I usually end up saying that my goal isn’t to challenge him, but to understand. I don’t know if he believe me.

I married a wonderful man.

I have been on vacation for a week, and I am exhausted. FREAKING EXHAUSTED! So now, while my husband sits down to play a video game, something he hasn’t done all week… I am going to go to sleep… something I haven’t done all week!

My husband and I are leaving in the morning for a long trip. I have a lot of packing and preparing to do. But he waited until RIGHT NOW to try out our new hose so we could set the timer to water the garden, and it had a leak so we had to go return and buy a new one. Now it’s almost 10 pm and there is still so much to do.

Tomorrow we’re leaving for a wedding, then driving back home (four hours each way) where we will sleep, and then wake up Saturday and drive 8 hours to my parent’s home. Drop off the dogs, hopefully sleep, and then drive another two hours to Virginia Beach for the hubs to go to some conference while I (hopefully) chilax on the beach.

Unfortunatly, The Hubs has started talking about grad school again. Gah. It’s so frustrating because he never listens to ANYTHING I say, and then he asks tons of questions and misses deadlines.

I need to be more on top of this married life thing.

I need a nap, like something awful.

Yesterday, and today, and four days ago… well, the last few weeks… I’ve been feeling kind of sick. My lungs are tight, I’m coughing, getting headaches, and super tired.

I know. I should go to the doctor’s. I might get around to that…eventually.

But while I was sick, I did some TV watching. Between my naps. But mostly TV watching. And wanna know what I was watching? It was a completely ridiculous show on Bravo called “The Real Housewives of NYC.” Ummm… hello?

I was somewhere between laughing and crying. These women are ridiculous. Like, seriously. My 12 year old sister is (usually) more mature. Ya know what really drives me crazy? ALL THE DRAMA!!! I don’t know how I managed to waste a whole day of my life away on this crap. If you go look at their “blogs”… it is obvious some one else writes it for them, because after seeing the way they interact, I doubt any of them could have written these coherent blog entries, and I don’t think any of them would actually use the word “chum” either. I don’t use the word “chum” for heaven’s sake!

So what really, truly bothers me about this show is that they call them “housewives” – which… umm. Hmmm. One woman was saying when she got divorced she had to hire a gardener and a chef and a nanny and some one to clean the house and a door man and… umm… what does she do? Because as a “housewife” myself… those are all my jobs! I think it is kind of a disgrace to women who work their tails off as mother’s and home-managers to be compared to these “real housewives.”

Ok, so that is my rant for today. I work so much harder than these woman, and I don’t get in fights over really stupid things, but there is no TV show about me!?!?! Oh the atrocity!

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